3/4 bag of chow mein noodles
15 leg lifts, each side
1 bag butterscotch chips
5 cans of whoop ass
1 cup of peanut butter
15 push ups
3/4 bag mini marshmallows
15 sit ups
striped knee high socks
Directions: Before taking out mixing bowl and measuring cup, lace up your roller skates. Any extra footwork you can get, even in your kitchen, will help you in a derby bout. Drop to the floor and do 15 push ups.
Get out a double boiler – or a smaller pot inside of a large one – and turn on low heat. Empty butterscotch chips and peanut butter into pot.
It will take a few minutes for melting to begin, which is a perfect time to work on the movements of blocking. Start in a squatting position. Quickly step/stomp your right foot to the left, then stomp your left foot hips distance away. Quickly pop your body up and rotate your hips into your imaginary blocker who is slightly behind you. A wall works good for this. This is your can of whoop ass otherwise known as a can opener. Repeat 5 times on each side.
As butterscotch chips begin melting start stirring. Keep stirring until all is melted.
While standing at stove, begin leg lifts.
When melting is complete, turn off the burner. Add chow mein noodles and mini marshmallows little by little. This is an imprecise science – continue adding until mixture it is neither too wet or too dry.
Use an ice cream scoop to drop onto parchment paper. Let sit until cool and then refrigerate or put out on the deck in a Minnesota winter.
After cleaning the pots and pans and putting away the bitches drop to the floor for 15 sit-ups.
Enjoy both your tasty treat and new muscles.
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*amazing roller derby photos courtesy of Cruel of Thirds. SHE ROCKS!
The Iron Range Maidens not only made it through our first bout (or pre-bout mixer) we triumphed! We won! AWESOME! woo-hoo! Score? 143-61!
Last Saturday I was the kind of nervous where you think you aren’t nervous but you slip on the ice because you can’t exactly feel your feet. Before you even enter the building. Do you know what I mean?
Twice, after we pulled into the parking lot and stepped outside in beautiful balmy Grand Forks North Dakota, I slipped and fell down. I got up as soon as I could, hoping no one would notice my jitters. As soon as we stepped inside the doors, Mustang Allie noticed the snow on my backside and said, “Did you fall?” I could barely even answer. Because we were there. We were at our first bout.
I’m not going to say the nerves left completely when I put my skates on. But on those quad skates, I felt confident that I would at least make it through the bout.
If you had asked me six months ago what I would be doing on a Saturday in February of 2011, there’s not a chance in hell I’d have said “wear a prom dress on the floor of the Alerus Center and knock some other girls down.” But that, my friends, is the beauty of roller derby. It is unexpected. It is smelly and sweaty and glittery and I can hardly believe I’m doing it.
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Posted in Uncategorized, tagged alter-egos, bouts, names on February 14, 2011 |
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I’ve been called many things in life. Goober. Dee. Delores. Rascal. Smoky. Brick. Charlie Brown. Heidj.
But I tell you, being called “a little tank” is the best by far. Well, it wasn’t the best the first moment I heard it. But I hitched up my rainbow knee-highs and sucked it up. And realized in roller derby, The Little Tank is a good thing.
Ingrid M. Hulk’s dad is the one who called me that… he came to the Iron Range Maiden’s open house in December and told Ingrid that he liked watching me skate because I was a little tank.
That’s the thing about roller derby. It’s okay to be called a tank – to have a little girth. Good in fact. It’s also okay to have a booty to stick out. The bigger the better to knock them down or out of bounds.
Glide by glide and block by block, I, Butterscotch Bitch, am becoming The Little Tank.
Tonight at practice we had a great night of scrimmage. We worked hard, we told each other what we were doing right and wrong, and I for one, learned a lot and felt a lot more confident about the bout coming up in Grand Forks. That bout where I’ll be wearing an awesome handcrafted prom dress (thanks Sarah Mac!) to kick some ass over the opponents, the “Carries”.
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